You know, there have been useless studies conducted on top of other useless studies to the point that you’re left scratching your head. I do understand the need for studies and the broad implications and impact they can have, but did we need a study to find out that drinking alcohol makes adults stupid? I don’t think so, especially when this very newspaper prints a police blotter that shows the study is being conducted on a daily basis.

A simple Internet search will turn up literally thousands of useless studies, which I’m sure equate to billions of dollars in wasted money. The studies that say stress isn’t good for you, people drive better when they’re not texting, talking to your spouse is good for your marriage, sleep deprivation makes you tired, high heels make your feet hurt, sword swallowing can be dangerous ... these are real studies that took real dollars away from real people who could have done more with those dollars. Did we really need a study to tell us that kids with toys have more fun than kids without? Or a study as to why we don’t eat our young ... seriously, that study was done a while back. And here’s what it found out: We’re apparently civilized and just don’t do that sort of thing. Also, we’re governed by laws that dictate we can’t do those things. It’s instinct not to eat our young, the same instinct that tells us we’re not birds so jumping off things and attempting to fly would be dumb! But as we’ve seen over and over again, instinct fails some of us and, well, let’s just leave it at that and move on.


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I don’t know how to reel in this kind of spending. Hell, I don’t even know how to head it off at the pass. Because if you tell me you’re doing a study to find out how you can get cancer from using a hair brush then, even though it may seem silly, you can kind of say there’s a bottom line benefit to that. But if you’re asking for money to do a study to ask why people bundle up when it’s cold outside, I would say the money would be better spent asking you what hole your brain fell out of! I’m guessing there’s a reason for all of these dumb studies, even though logic escapes the common man or woman. But to spend even $1 to find out how long shrimp can run on a treadmill seems ridiculous.

Usually I pen my frustrations after being frustrated by something or someone. This week is no different. I was reading about a study done out of the University of Utah. It stated that over time, men’s faces have evolved so they can take a punch. Yup! You heard right; apparently we’re free to start pounding on each other more than we already do, because evolution has perfected the hittable head. Now, you can’t smack a woman however (and you shouldn’t hit anyone). See, the female head has not evolved into the hard bowling-ball-like-substance that the male head has, in large part because women have always been smarter and avoided conflict, so it hasn’t had to get punched enough to be worthy of this particular evolutionary gem.

But ladies, you’re not completely without blame here, because the researchers say the change started as men became more competitive over two things: Women and food. So chins up, ladies, you’re helping with evolution. I’m not sure if this is the kind of progress I’d hoped for. I would rather evolution had developed a soft head from lack of conflict. But, nope, men can now take a punch! Maybe that was a study worth conducting? What the Hell is up with that?

Fish is the morning talent on Classic Hits 92.7 FM. He also offers up his opinion on-line at www.whatda hell.net. E-mail him at fish@wk vt.com.