Fish: Going to the ballpark this year? Bring your own defibrillator
As the song goes, Baseball, Hot Dogs, Apple Pie and Chevrolet.
So I love baseball, and I love apple pie, hot dogs wage jihad on me every time I eat one. As for the Chevrolet, well I've owned a few and I like them, but if I have to pick something off the GM line it's the GMC.
What am I getting at? Baseball season has arrived! All that is American as we know and understand it has circled back to center. Whether you're a Mets, Padres, Yankees or Red Sox fan, the one common denominator is this: Every single franchise is trying to kill you once you get to the ballpark.
Let's say you've got a family of five and you're off to the ballpark to go root your hometown team on. The first thing you know that is going to happen is your checkbook is going to get beaten like a protestor at a Trump rally. No question — the cheapest part of your visit will most likely be the tickets to get you and your family in, and then you have to feed that family. Ouch! Then (pardon the pun), they throw you a curve ball, because if you're going to the ballpark at Arlington to see the Texas Rangers play, you just might layout $26 for a hot dog called the Broomstick. It's two solid feet of nitrate tube steak soaked in chili, nacho cheese, jalapenos and onions and tossed between a potato bun and a defibrillator for dessert. The sodium count on this thing alone could warrant you having to sign a release prior to consumption.
If you head to Cleveland, by all means bring a Death Lily then order up a Slider Dog. It's a hog dog with bacon — OK, I'm still in. Topped with mac and cheese? Odd, but you haven't completely lost me yet. But Fruit Loops, too? Faster than being on the receiving end of a Rhonda Rousey arm bar, I'm tapping out! Why on earth would they serve something like that up at Progressive Field? Were the bathrooms staying too clean? Honestly, I've seen a picture of this concoction and it literally looks like if fell on the floor, but because of the three-second rule you're going to eat it anyway!
Every ballpark has something that is simply off-the-reservation crazy and you wouldn't likely eat it every day; even if it's a simple sausage, pepper and onions, which, by the way, I believe is the least healthy thing you can eat at Fenway Park. So, congrats Fenway faithful, looks like your ballpark can keep using the old school CPR method to restart hearts and you won't need to plug into anything to keep your fan base alive.
A few years ago, the same could have been said about my beloved Yankee Stadium. In fact, when they built the new stadium, you could get Vermont Honey Crisp apples at the farmers market food cart. Sure, they were $32 a pop, but they were healthy. You could get some of the best sushi I've ever had (and as a general rule, I don't get my sushi from ballparks or road-side stands). But somewhere along the way they weighed into the ring of heart-stopping, artery-clogging, and cholesterol-raising eats. You can now get things such as the Barnyard Wedding, a cheeseburger, fried chicken cutlet with hash browns. But that's not all — add barbecue sauce, but before taking a bite, call your wife and make sure she knows you love her. The Double Double, two hamburger patties with American cheese, onion rings and grilled cheese sandwiches for buns. Nothing says "I want my arteries to make an audible noise as they harden," more than that.
I'm only scratching the surface of what's available at ballparks this baseball season. If they can't add a peanut butter sauce to baked beans and pour it over rocky road ice cream this year, they'll do it next year. Ballparks are starting to resemble state fairs more than America's favorite pastime. As for me, I'll pass on it all and stick to my old school $9 bag of peanuts and a $57 beer. What the hell is up with that?
Fish is the opinionated morning jock on Classic Hits 92.7. He offers up his opinion at 7:50 a.m. every morning (Monday through Friday). Let's start the revolution. E-mail him at firstname.lastname@example.org.
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